Oh yes, I've come to the point of summarizing my twenties. Feels much like I'm summarizing my whole life, really. But that's odd considering that my twenties was pretty much spent either waiting for things to happen (a big break, a big raise) or praying for things not to happen( catch a deadly disease, become pregnant). I felt like I had too much time in my hands, but not really. There were plenty of lull, moments where I can actually hear the clock ticking at 10 in the morning. But there were also plenty of rushed moments where I don't even have time to check my face in the mirror. Basically, my twenties felt like it was not too eventful as I imagined it to be yet it has some few important moments (and lots of realizations) that lead me to where I am now.
Twenties is all about self-growth for me more than financial growth. I wish the financial one developed but I'm not too lucky to have a car or a house in my twenties. I'm still 29 but I'm starting to lose hope that I'll be able to afford a car next year. And I'm starting to feel NOT OK with that, to be completely honest. I want comfort, not even luxury, just comfort. You can imagine what it's like living in Manila without a car. It's really pretty harsh. But I'll figure things out. I'll join a pyramid scam or something.
Well, let's just talk about self-growth.
How do I know, for sure, that my "self" is growing? I can answer that with confidence. NUMBER ONE: I think I'm sure that my "self" is growing because I realized I give value to relationships. I think this started at the age of twenty- seven. I started to really reach out to people. I call my parents often, I started giving gifts. During Christmas, I enjoy giving gifts more than receiving them. So maybe there's growth in my soul by an inch. I know some people who don't put in effort in their relationships at the age of forty, fifty, sixty. I kinda pity those people because they should have realized the importance of people in their twenties. That's what twenties is for, among other things. NUMBER TWO: I have learned to embrace my annoying self. For example, I know that I'm a controlling bitch. That self-awareness alone is a big plus. If I get in an argument and they'd tell me that I'm bossy or something, I won't be as hurt. And, of course, I know how to turn the negative into something positive. I'm controlling so I'm pretty sure good at planning. That's where I thrive. I make myself useful.
CAREER. Woooh! I used to cringe a little and get goosebumps every time I hear that C word. In my early twenties, I used to get excited about career and life path (I can be anything I want to be!) but in my mid-twenties (when I started to exhaust all options or what felt like "all options"), I started to lose hope and settle and dismiss the C word. Every turned down job application was a stab to my ego. But then when I turned twenty-seven, I sucked it up and told myself I have to try again. What I did, I set my deadline to thirty-five instead of thirty. That made a big difference! I realized that 3-year or 5-year deadlines paralyze me. I started to compare my life to my friends' accomplishments (thanks Facebook). For me, it's okay to be envious, it's okay to compare, it's okay to feel let-down as long as I DON'T STOP.
In my twenties, here are the "paths" I've tried:
* Fresh from college, I applied as a Korean tutor.
* Then as an assistant Production Designer for a TV show (quit after two weeks)
* Assistant Production Designer for a TV Commercial Production House (quit after 3 months because I got pregnant)
* Call Center Agent (quit after two months because Gynecologist advised I stop working)
* Assistant Production Designer again for TVC
* Went home to the province and started working online (writing blogs, data entry, etc). I have this job until now because it suits me. I love the flexibility and the fact that I don't have to experience Manila traffic everyday.
* Got bored with just working online. Applied as Magazine writer but they don't accept part-time positions.
* Applied as photographer for a Photobooth company. They turned me down.
* Started an online clothing store with my friends. Had friendship issues after six months. Lesson: Friendship and business don't mix.
* Tried selling cheap soap in the province (my mom will sell for me), didn't work. There are already plenty of cheap soaps in the province, turns out. Lesson: Research!
* Tried selling sausages from the province here in the city with my sister. Didn't even go to step one because my mother misquoted the price. Lesson: Please compute properly. And don't do business with mom for now (sorry, mother. Love you!)
* Tried having an online writing business. I ended up re-writing all the stuff. It's hard to find good quality for small fee. In the end, plenty of headaches for just little money. not worth the trouble.
* Marketed Wall-Nut wall climbing solutions (my partner's sort of business). Lots of inquiries but not too many people are willing to travel to Antipolo (which is one hour away from the metro). It's not sellable. Period.
* Attended a script writing workshop. Got inspired to make films again.
* Attended a filmmaking workshop where they fund good scripts. My script got selected. At age twenty-seven, I made my first short film after college. Not the best but decent enough. That's where I met a lot of great people including Cha.
* Cha and I got along well and decided we make a production company that focuses on documentaries.
* Nothing much happened during the first year except we shot her documentary in Leyte (not completed) and we had one animation project that didn't turn out well (big goals, small budget, too many people involved). We pitched to some companies and made scripts with no fee. The only successful one is a project with Schneider Electric, which we got through our friend. The pay was good, the project was easy.
* During Haiyan, Cha and I were looking for stories to shoot. When I was visiting my parents' home, my sister-in-law mentioned a couple who lost all their four kids to the storm. Cha and I went to the couple and six months later, we finished a full-length documentary.
* We got screened at Busan International Film Festival (biggest IFF in Asia) and we will screen at IDFA Amsterdam (the biggest in the world).
So, here I am, a girl who "kinda" figured out what she's going to do in the next decade. I'm not too sure if I can make another good film that will be screened in other countries, but I will try. I feel fulfilled when I'm making films- from conceptualization up to the fifth edit. At the same time, I will work on my finances as I'm in a painful state of poverty right now. I owe it to my beautiful daughter to have at least a decent amount of money in the bank while I pursue my dreams.
Anyway, I sometimes wonder what if I got successful in one of the other stuff I pursued? Sausage business, for example...I'd be a totally different person. My daily concerns would revolve around picking up the sausages and making sure they're stacked properly in the fridge. I'd sleep at night thinking about the number of sausages to be delivered the next day.
Or what if I didn't pursue the script writing workshop? Maybe I would not have attended the filmmaking workshop. So that means I would not have made my short film and met Cha and made a documentary.
Or...maybe not. maybe I'm still a sausage woman who thinks about films at night. I cannot tell for sure.
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